On the following Wednesday I gathered with my Study Group in Arlene’s living room. I felt fine but I couldn’t follow what anyone said because I couldn’t hear, which meant I had to be quiet and not join in on the discussion. I hated that. I liked being part of the tugging and pulling of ideas and opinions. My hearing was disappearing fast. I knew buried and unresolved emotions can interfere with a body’s functions. Examinations I’d had wouldn’t tell me if something physical had caused my hearing to fade, or not.
“It just is.” He said.
What kind of an answer is that, I said.
When Vernon Sylvest came to speak to my group one Sunday I scheduled a session with him the day before to discuss my hearing. Could it truly be as simple as a hidden emotion? I knew I had buried a lot of emotion and anger over the years when I was “being the strong one.” I thought that was how to protect my kids, by not showing the times when I was in despair, afraid, or swallowing anger to keep peace in the house. I didn’t want them to witness any violence their father lashed out at me. He was 6’2” and a mason contractor, strong. I was afraid to rile him, avoiding it at all costs.
It was bad enough the one time that he upset the supper table, with supper on it and the kids and me sitting around it, eating. (He had a date and wanted to cause a reason to stomp out of the house. I knew his tricks and just let him go without a word. By then, I could care less where he was at night.) I now know that probably wasn’t the right thing to do, but I was still young, 26ish and didn’t know better.
“What words do you not want to hear?” Vernon asked again and again as we sat in a quiet room at Maggie & Pete’s where Vernon had spent the weekend. We talked more as he tried to pull an answer out of me. (I was used to keeping my thoughts and memories deep within.) We spoke of other things then he came back to that question again and again. I didn’t know. I guessed there were a lot of words I’d not wanted to hear.
“Will you marry me?” The words just burst out uncontrolled! It startled both of us. I nearly bolted. Well, that took me back a bit. Truer words were never spoken. But I had no idea they were still buried in there. I said no to marriage with my fiancé of 15 years because I refused to marry regardless of loving him. He was a good man. But they were certainly words I never wanted to hear again.
Sitting at my computer the next day, I reduced the music volume that I played in the background while I wrote, by three digits! It worked! I was surprised and delighted! In time, without noticing my hearing had faded again. Now I wondered if Tachyon could help restore my hearing even better.
Hmm. It looked like there was something to this hidden emotion thingy. I was excited waiting for my Tachyon Pad to arrive, thinking it would add to my healing.
Coming next: Wet Macular Degeneration