While I was unpacking from a recent weekend in Bordentown, I realized my Cosmetic Bag was missing. I don’t use cosmetics but I do place my personal items in there. I frantically searched through all the tote bags and book bags that I tend to take along, bringing home more than I took. Nothing. I tore apart my wee car that has no room to hide anything. Nothing. I looked on the porch, steps, and around the car. Nothing.
I was devastated!
Eating in restaurants and not taking my diuretics over the weekend (because I was too busy running here & there) caused my hands to swell a bit. Since I was leaving early in the morning, I had not exercised at all. That added to the swelling. Which means that I tossed all my rings into the jewelry pouch and tossed it into my Cosmetic Bag. Which means that I lost the most precious item I own….a Mother’s ring that my four sons gave me-on Mothers’ Day- back in 1976. It is the only thing I possessed that all four boys gifted me together.
Sobbing over my loss, sorrow and remorse set on my chest like a lead barbell. Before the end of the day, I dowsed with my crystal which told me that I would never see my precious ring again. Realization set in and I went to my laptop to heal this gaping wound.
This is what came out:
How Empty the Vessel
How empty does the vessel have to be
before it begins to refill or is it refilling
and I don’t notice
My sons are gone; I no longer mourn the loss
yet losing my ring after 38 years of feeling its
preciousness, of being so cautious, of leaving
it home if there was a chance of losing it;
the ring they gave me one Mother’s Day;
a collective gift the youngest boy didn’t even
realize, yet was included anyway
also in the pouch was a bracelet, not expensive
with small matching turquoise triangles on lacy
gold, just recently brought out to wear again
bought in a moment when money was short
I needed a lift to keep me from sinking into a pit
so I bought it; leaving milk & bread & beef &
cigarettes off the list to accommodate
never regretting it
a pair of cloisonné bangles, that I held back
from selling in the shop, unable to part with them
I’ve parted from them now;
a slender, delicate rhinestone tennis bracelet that I
bought, though I don’t play tennis, a bracelet that
lovers & husbands buy to show their love; I felt
pleasure wearing it, does that mean I love myself,
can I still love myself now that the bracelet is gone?
a silver spoon ring given in friendship from a
lover that still carried the love in it & the memories
40 years later; will a replacement feel the same on
my finger? a spiral ring, the symbol of eternity,
purchased in a special moment exuding joy whenever
it was worn; gone…they are all gone
losing things was rare for 40 years, never lost a thing
then it began, first my son Kenny, then my son Guy,
a diamond out of my engagement ring from my beloved
Angelo, his signet ring given with great intensity, one
diamond stud earring, lost in my bed at night-never to be
found, how could that be? then Angelo passed; only things
truly loved from those I truly loved, is this a cleansing;
is this the emptying before the refilling can begin;
this must have meaning to it; these losses hurt
I’m letting go of the past …I am letting go … I promise
I am letting go.
Arlene Sandra Bice © 2014
I can only hope that a man/boy found the Bag and is joyful in giving my treasures to someone who will cherish them as I did. Someone who thrills in their good luck, is what I picture. I prefer that to an image of the Bag being tossed into a trash can where no one would love them.
8 responses to “Losing Something Precious”
Ar, I am so sorry for the loss. I know what it feels like. But noone can deprive you of the memories that these things symbolize. They all stay in your mind forever.
Peggy, Thanks. As devastated as I felt, as soon as I dowsed, knew it was forever, and then wrote about it…the pain dissolved. The memories, of course don’t. I still remember a favorite blouse that was lost in a fire in 1972. Wow! How much room my memory bank has!
Oh Arlene, My heart hurts—..learning of your loss and pain and the memories of both. The loss of love x4 is hellish–looking, hoping and then realizing they’re really gone–the same with items, that remind us and connect us to Love now, and then. Look for something that makes your heart smile..buy it..and add to your memory bank. That deposit will grow as you do! Hugs to you! Kaal
Thank you Kaal. I also hold onto the thought that I was lucky to have had these things….all of it, even if only temporarily.
this what makes you special to so many people.
Leroy, thank you. you could not have said anything more kind. hugs, Arlene
Arlene, this is a lesson that I needed today—thank you for loving me right now–Ellie
Ellie, I am so grateful that I have learned to be forgiving without reservation. It erases the ache of loss. love to you, Arlene